


Who We Are

by TwistedRocketPower



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Comfort, Fluff, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 06:09:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11731080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwistedRocketPower/pseuds/TwistedRocketPower
Summary: When it comes to Dan and Phil, no one knows much about Phil's side of the story. But, that's okay, he likes it that way.





	Who We Are

**Author's Note:**

> Over 2500 words that express Phil's side of his and Dan's life throughout the years, which is something I don't see that often. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Also, there is a little mention of sex, but nothing graphic!

There was a lot that people didn’t know about Phil, and he liked to keep it that way. He was always a private person, but the bigger his audience became, the more he craved a private life.

He didn’t hate his life, not at all. He loved what he did, and he didn’t see himself stopping anytime soon. But, that didn’t mean he wanted every single thing he did being broadcast for the world to see.

That’s why he wasn’t a vlogger.

He didn’t like posting things that were upsetting. He didn’t need people to know when he was having a bad day. He liked making people happy. He liked that he could brighten up someone’s day. He liked that seeing his face could make someone smile.

It was a bit weird to think about at first, but he was used to it now. He was used to people telling him he saved their life- although, he’d have to disagree. He was used to people crying happy tears when they met him. He was used to people tweeting him in all caps, thanking him for the random video he’d put up that day, telling him it was the only time they had smiled all week.

And that’s the Phil he wanted people to know. He wanted them to associate AmazingPhil with happiness. He didn’t want them to think about all the stuff in between.

Of course, humans are curious beings, and they’re going to think about the stuff in between. They’re going to overanalyze facial expressions, or zoom in on every photo taken to see each detail. They’re going to wonder, and sometimes ask, about what he does when he’s not filming. They’re going to want to know the intimate details of his life.

Some people didn’t care that he was never going to share it.

Part of it was his fault, he figured, because he’d always been more closed off than Dan. Dan wasn’t afraid to go on long tirades about his life, or talk about how he wouldn’t mind if death took him away during the night. Dan was fairly easy to figure out, for the most part. 

Phil was an enigma. That’s what he’d seen himself be called. He was an enigma because no one knew what made him upset. No one knew the little things that irritated him. He was almost always calm. But, everyone looked calm when they’re sitting next to Dan playing a video game of some kind. He wasn’t quick to anger. He was gentle, loving, caring, kind, and funny. 

People didn’t know how to write Phil the way they knew how to write Dan. Phil would be scrolling through tumblr and he’d stumble upon a 5,000 word post discussing him, his personality, and how he should be written in fanfiction seeing as no one knew much about him other than the bubbly person he chose to share.

He would read the fics sometimes. He would see just how close to his personality they got. He’d see the many, many times they were about as far off as they could get. Dan wasn’t always spot on either, but they got him right more than they did Phil. 

Most fics were written from Dan’s point of view anyway. It was easier, he supposed, because people had things to grasp onto when it came from Dan’s perspective.

He was the more outwardly flirty one- even though there were some moments back in 2009 where Phil definitely didn’t hold back. Dan was the open book, Phil was the mystery.

And Phil loved it being that way.

 

He loved that they didn’t really know how excited he was back in 2009, the day he met Dan. They didn’t know how his heart thumped so hard as he waited for Dan at the station that he was afraid he might have to go to A&E. They didn’t know his hands were sweaty and shaky, and when he finally saw Dan, his smile was so wide that he felt like an idiot afterward.

They didn’t know the way he kept stealing glances at Dan everytime Dan would look away. The first thing he noticed was that Dan had the most beautiful dimples, which definitely didn’t show up well enough through the webcam.

No one knew that Phil was so nervous during their first kiss that he opened his eyes for a couple of seconds because he was afraid it was a dream.

No one knew that, when they had sex for the first time, Phil had poured out so much lube that he had to go buy a new, identical set of sheets because it would never come out of his set. People would write that their first time was filled with romance, or that it was a complete joke, but they didn’t know it was a bit of both. They didn’t know that Dan doubled over with laughter when the lube bottle made a fart sound. Or that Phil had to stop for a second because his heart was racing. Dan had reached up and put his hand over Phil’s chest, feeling the heartbeat, pausing for a second before telling him he needed to do more cardio.

Everyone always wrote what it was like for Dan to stare into Phil’s eyes, but they rarely wrote what it was like to stare into Dan’s eyes. They were so dark, so deep, that Phil never wanted to look away from him. After their first time, when they were laying side by side, sharing lazy kisses and ignoring the gigantic lube stain on the sheets, Phil would just stare at him. Stare into his eyes, which he said looked like chocolate drops, and try to memorize every detail so he could think of those eyes when Dan left him to go back home.

 

Their audience had no idea how excited Phil was when they decided to live together. It was such a big step. They were both still fairly new to YouTube, just getting by but not making loads of money. They both knew they wanted the relationship to be between them at this point. No one else needed to know who or what they were but them. But, things were still new, and they could still be careless sometimes.

No one knew how much Phil loved waking up next to Dan. They didn’t know how much he loved running his fingers through Dan’s curly hair before Dan would wake up, shower, and straighten it.

They didn’t know the long discussions that Phil would start about their future. The nights they’d stay up until the sun was rising, writing out five year plans and creating budget spreadsheets. The audience would never hear about the nights Phil cried, worried he wasn’t doing anything with his life. Worried his degree was pointless, and worried that he’d never be able to get a real job if YouTube didn’t work out. They knew about Dan’s tendency to freak out, and a little about Phil’s abilities to try and make him feel better. They didn’t know the times Dan would have to hold him close, or find him a candy bar to eat, or try and think of something inspirational to say to make him feel better.

 

No one knew how stressed and terrified he was when they moved to London on a hope and a prayer. They were so young, and Phil never would have made a decision like that now. They were barely able to afford rent at their old place, and this one was far more expensive. They went without furniture for months, buying the cheapest things they could find to fill their house with something to sit on.

People didn’t know how scary it was to have an extremely personal moment in your life posted everywhere for everyone to see. They didn’t understand that it could have stopped their career from growing. It could have prevented the radio show from happening. People wanted a best friend duo on their radio or television screens, not boyfriends. 

Phil tried his best to get rid of the evidence quietly, while Dan took a more direct approach. But they did every step together, in hopes that their careers weren’t ruined and they wouldn’t have to move out before they had fully moved in.

Their audience often treated that time in their lives as one filled with hate and anger, but neither was true. At least, they weren’t angry with each other. They were angry at the overall situation, but more than that, they were just scared. Scared they had bitten off more than they could chew. Scared they’d have to go back home, admit failure, and try to pick up the pieces of their life that they had left behind. Scared that Dan would have to go back to college, and Phil would have to try and find a job with no references, and a spotty work history at best.

There were days they lived off of old pizza and cola that had been flat for a while. Days they’d spend making videos, editing them, and trying to get them uploaded as soon as possible so they would get a little bit more money on their next paycheck. But, they did all of it together. They were each other's support system. Dan would be there, wrapping Phil up in a blanket when he’d fall asleep while editing a video. He’d be there the next morning too, with a cup of coffee and some painkillers for the headache he knew Phil would wake up with. He’d be there with a new recipe he learned how to make after they realized it was cheaper to go to the store and buy a giant box of rice and some chicken instead of ordering out each night.

 

People couldn’t picture his insecurities when he and Dan were writing their book. The fear of writing down something he shouldn’t. Showing the world more than he meant to. Sharing something he wouldn’t want shared in the future.

But, then Dan would be by his side, writing with him, making those decisions on what should be left in and what should be taken out.

Dan was there the night it all felt too much, when they had a deadline that they were very close to missing, and Phil felt like he was going to rip his hair out. Dan was there to remind him that this was supposed to be fun, and enjoyable, and a keepsake not just for fans, but for them as well. He was there to remind Phil that if they missed the deadline, they missed it together, and if they took a deep breath and worked together, the deadline wouldn’t be missed at all.

Dan was there during the photoshoots, and the interviews, and the day the book was released. He was there, helping Phil feel a bit safer and calmer just by being at his side.

Dan was there, holding onto Phil’s hand as they waited for the first day of tour rehearsals. Both nervous and sweaty over the idea of performing a song and magic tricks, and learning their script, and acting out fanfiction, and being more open to the world than they had ever been before.

Dan was there opening night, when Phil felt like he might throw up because one of his tricks didn’t work in rehearsal and, God, what if the whole idea of a tour was wrong? What if it was a stupid idea?

Dan was his anchor, holding him in place and reminding him that their entire career is based off of the fact that they’re giant, clumsy flops, and screwing up would seem more natural than the entire show being perfect.

No one knew that Dan was there to wrap Phil in a hug after their first performance, when they finally had a moment alone in their dressing room, kissing him as he shook from the adrenaline of it all.

 

And now, in their new flat, he didn’t want people to know that he cuddled up next to Dan every night. He didn’t want them to know that the air conditioning made it so they could wrap their arms around each other even on the hottest nights. He didn’t want them to know that he almost knocked Dan out of the bed when he saw the centipede. Or how Dan screamed and ran out of the room, repeating, “No, no, nope, no fucking way!” as Phil laughed so hard he almost started crying.

He didn’t want anyone to know that they regularly cancelled plans with friends so they could lay on their couch the entire evening, playing Mario Kart for the millionth time, each with their own personal pizza and fresh, bubbly soft drink. 

He liked that no one knew about how much he loved Dan in his expensive jumpers. How much he loved running his hands over the fabric, holding Dan close, remembering a time when they wondered if paying ten pounds for a t-shirt was too much. He loved that they could afford to buy all new furniture before moving into the new place, and they could get Dan a new piano that wasn’t out of tune.

He loved that he was the only one who got to see Dan’s face light up when the piano arrived. He got to be Dan’s first audience with it, listening as Dan played song after song. He got to make requests, keeping Dan playing for almost an hour before Dan said that was enough and stopped for the night.

People often saw Dan give Phil looks that showed just how much love Dan had for him. They didn’t often see Phil return those looks, because that would be giving too much away.

Those looks were meant for times when it was just the two of them. Times when Dan was watching TV, rambling about something that wouldn’t register with Phil for another few hours. Times when Dan was sleepy, his eyes half closed, as he gripped Phil’s shirt to make sure they’d be napping together. 

Dan’s looks, while filled with love, could be written off. People loved to see it, but it didn’t make anything official. Phil didn’t have that much faith in himself. If he stared at Dan for too long, especially when they were playing a game that Dan loved, or collaborating on a video that Dan was super excited for, his heart would start beating fast again. It would be just like when they first met. And that would give everyone all the proof they needed.

So, he saved those moments for when they were alone. 

People had visuals to show that Dan still loved Phil as much as he did in 2009, possibly even more than he did back then, but they didn’t have that for Phil. He knew that bothered a lot of people. He knew they questioned his love for Dan sometimes.

But, they didn’t know all the times Phil said “I love you” first. They didn’t know all the times Phil’s heart sped up when he’d steal a glance at Dan. They didn’t know how much he loved having Dan by his side, his partner through thick and thin. They didn’t know that he wasn’t just Dan’s better half, but Dan was his better half as well. Always there to pull Phil back to reality when Phil strayed a bit too far. Always there to keep him warm, replacing the pillow he used to cuddle through the night. Always there to calm him when life got a little too stressful, or when things felt like they were moving too fast. Always there to cry with him, or laugh with him. Always there, no matter what. People could see that Dan felt lucky, but they didn’t know that Phil felt even luckier.

No, no one knows much about Phil’s side of the story, but that’s okay. He likes it that way.

**Author's Note:**

> I know I have another fic I need to be writing, and that'll be updated next, but it was late and I had things on my mind, so you got this instead!  
> Let me know what you thought! Every comment makes me smile and I appreciate every single one!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


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